i believe (part 2)

That I will someday work on broadway.
That there is a special someone out there for me. And that when we find each other it will
be magical.
That birthdays should be celebrated for an entire week.
In standing up for what you believe in, while remaining flexible enough to respect other's beliefs as well.
In drinking hot chocolate while sitting in a cold apartment.
That talking to sisters will make your whole day better.
In family.
In proximity.
In friendships that endure through many years and miles apart.
In keeping promises.
In trying to make other's day better.
In the Christmas spirit.
In watching A Muppet Christmas Carol. A lot.
In prayer, and faith.
In piling on the blankets before you fall asleep.
In low utility bills.
In loving.
In being happy.

Update

Hey! I'm alive!

I'm currently at Starbucks using free wifi to watch Hulu and use the internet for various nefarious purposes.  It's hard to update because I'm working so much and don't have internet at my apartment.  But here is a quick update for you:

I like my job! It's a lot of work, and a lot of me being hot and tired, but I'm ok with that because I'm learning a lot.  So, work is good.  We open on November 1st, and I'm excited!

I found the ward here to be very intense (in a good way). The first week I went I left with a husband, a place on the youth roadshow committee, and about seven invitations to eat dinner at various people's houses.  Also, I'm the youngest person in Relief Society by 10 years.  At least. I find this to be funny most times.  And then there are times when I wish that I wasn't closer in age to the young women, and that there was another person who wasn't married.

 California is hot right now.  Literally.  The heat almost kills me.  But people keep telling me that I'm going to love the weather come November/December. So I'm looking forward to that.

I work about 50 hours a week.  Which keeps me busy enough that I don't socialize much. But I really like the people that I work with so I'm doing good.

That pretty much sums up my life right now. I'm done with Hulu, so I'm going to get out of Starbucks before the creepy looking guy watching me starts to try and talk to me.

I'm Still Here

i just do not have internet in my apartment, and therefore am not on the internet a whole lot. i am writing this on my phone, and the shift key is not working, so please forgve my lack of capitalized letters.  and any misspelled words.  yeah.  anyway.....

i'm doing good. more later, i promise.

California!

I'm moving!

To California!

(Best Part......)

BECAUSE I GOT A JOB!

I am the new production assistant for the Palm Springs Follies, a company that produces a show every season with 9 performances a week.

I am thrilled, and terrified.  And then thrilled..... And then terrified.

I start work on August 16th.  That's 13 days from now. That means that I need to move NEXT WEEK.

What the what?!

I waited around all summer and now things are happening so quickly!

So, I apparently have a Wikipedia page that I didn't write. It says the following:

Lindsi Neilson is a student at BYU studying theatre.
In 2010, Neilson was recognized as most Outstanding Stage Management Student by the stage management, housed in the Theatre and Media Arts department.

I'm left wondering what inspired whoever wrote this. And why.
 

It's 6:50 in the A.M. and I am sitting at my kitchen table eating pickles and drinking Dr. Pepper. I'm trying to stay awake so I can get my sleep schedule back on track.

Yes, this is the life of a college graduate.

12 hours awake and counting..... (Yes, I am aware that that means I woke up at 7pm yesterday.  I told you I was messed up!)

So, sometimes when my insomnia is really bad my sleep cycle completely flips.

As in, I sleep all day and am up all night.

All of the stress in my life lately has this happening again.

It's 7:47am and I've been up since 5:00pm yesterday. I'm finally getting tired,  just in time for Church.

Not gonna lie. I may just sleep today. 

Overheard On Headset

July 4th, 2011:
(while fireworks are going off on one side of the outdoor theater and a loud outdoor movie is playing on the other side)
"I feel like we're trying to tech in an avalanche full of cats."

 July 5th, 2011:
"Oh! You you wanted me to go THEN? I thought you said something about being handled by black men!"

July 9th, 2011:
"Sometimes I think actors make things harder on purpose.  You know, just to keep me on my toes."
"That's really nice of them."
"Yeah, that's what I keep telling myself."

Words

I believe that words have power.  Sticks and stones do break bones, but words will hurt us long after broken bones are done healing.

I hardly ever think about the time I broke my wrist in Kindergarten.  But there are times when all I can do is run hurtful words that people have said to me over and over again in my head. Even if they happened in Elementary school, they're still there.

Someday I'll be able to shake off those words.

Growing Up

Lately I've felt like I've outgrown Provo.  Like I need to get out of here.  Fast.  There's so much more STUFF outside of Utah.  Stuff that I need to be a part of, that I need to experience. 

I'm finally able to admit to myself how unhappy I am in Utah. I've spent the last 5 years being so busy defending the state against haters that come to BYU and call the people that live here Utards that I pushed down the fact that I wasn't happy here anymore. 

Don't get me wrong, there are so many good things about this place, and it will always be my home.  But I'm tired. Tired of the social and religious pressures that are put on me.  Tired of feeling as though my life, my REAL LIFE hasn't started yet.

I'm moving in August. I'm moving with no money, and no job, but heaps and heaps of excitement. 

I'm ready. I'm set. I'm going.

If I Were Mitt Romney

If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't work on downplaying my religion.  I would instead promote answering questions that people had about Mormonism in order to promote understanding about Mormonism. 

I just read in Newsweek that one-fourth of registered voters who aren't LDS are much less likely to vote for a candidate because they are LDS, and we have politicians who (while I will grant that they don't hide that they're Mormon) spend the whole time trying to prove that they can be good people in spite of the fact that they're LDS. (Here's the link to the Newsweek article: http://www.newsweek.com/2011/06/05/mormons-rock.html, I like it) 

My personal feelings are that these people should own the fact that they are LDS.  Promote understanding of the LDS Church, and (suprise!) understanding comes.  Right now people think we're too weird. (Who can blame them? If they don't actually search out answers, all of their info seems to come from the most random of places.) 

I guess that may be my problem with Mr. Romney and Mr. Huntsman.  It feels too much like they are spending all of their time trying to downplay their religion. Members of the Church are good people, and I wish that they would use this opportunity to prove that.

P.S.- I listened to the music from the Book of Mormon musical, and I mostly enjoyed it.  Horrible language, but also quite amusing.

I'm dying....

For some Dr. Pepper.  Seriously. 

I get it for free at the SCERA.  Which I'm normally at pretty much everyday, so I get my fix for free there and don't worry about buying it when I grocery shop.

Normally I'm ok on Sunday's, but today I'm craving it like nobody's business.

Lesson learned.  I will now buy Dr. Pepper when I go shopping.

I don't believe in romantic comedies. Let me explain.

I was watching the movie Leap Year (the one with Amy Adams and a cute Irish guy that I don't know the name of), and the movie ended with Amy Adams dumping her fiance (whom she's been together with for 4 years) and flying back to Ireland to marry a guy she had known for 2 days.......

Yeah, like that's actually going to happen.

I sometimes wonder if romantic comedies are killing everyone's view of the real world. If little girls are growing up watching and believing that this is the norm then will they be perpetually disappointed when they realize that romance does not work like it does in the movies?

Part of me wishes that everyone in the world would have the chance to live through that kind of romance. Part of me also wishes I still believed in that kind of romance.

Whew! My cynical side is showing tonight.

Facebook, Osama, and other randoms

You know what I've realized lately? That I'm tired of facebook. Do I really need to know when a person I knew back when I was 18 decides to go and get a smoothie? Me thinks I'd be fine without that information rattling around in my brain.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. Officially and completely gone from this world. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard about 9/11, I remember watching TV all day long at school as more and more information was discovered, and I'm sure that it was on that day that I first heard about the terrorist responsible. I'm glad he was caught, and I'm glad he's dead. I feel as though people deserved to celebrate in the way that they wanted to, but I don't think that celebrating in the street while waving American flags is appropriate. I remember watching video clips of people in Afghanistan and Iran celebrating while the USA bled that day, and the videos of people celebrating after hearing the news were too similar for my liking. I'm glad he was caught, and I'm glad he's dead, but I am so sad that there are people that are capable of doing such evil things as to spark a worldwide, 10 year manhunt.

I like Obama. I voted for him. This was the first election that I actually did research before voting, and I voted for him because I liked his ideas on ending the war in Iraq, and on increasing energy independence, and because he seemed to have better long range planning then McCain. Overall, I'm happy with the job he's done. He's fulfilled many of his campaign promises, and even if I didn't agree with all of them I like the fact that he's done what he said he was going to do. Whether or not I'll vote for him again in 2012 remains to be seen.

I have my own room this summer, and I'm loving it. Seriously. I missed having my own space so much that it's indescribable. I walked into a friends bedroom the other day and marveled at just how much the room was her's. Does that make sense? I mean that even if I didn't know it was her room when I walked into it I would have guessed it was. Seeing her room made me realize just how much my room was not like that. My room has white walls, her walls are covered in photos and posters. It got me thinking that maybe I need my room to be MY room. No more white walls, no more room that is so blank that walking into it makes you wonder who lives here. I'm going to create a space that is totally, completely, and 100% mine.

This summer while I have some down time I'm going to concentrate on getting healthier, I'm going to decide where to move in August, and I'm going to save as much money as possible. Those are my three goals for the summer.

Excited to start on Camp Rock. Not really sure I love the show, but I love the production team I'm going to be working with.

That's all.

The End

I don't feel like writing a blog. "Well then, Lindsi" you may be saying to yourself "why are you writing one then?"

Answer: Because I haven't updated in awhile and I'm trying to keep people updated on my life.

So, here is what has happened in my life the past month:

1. Graduated from college. WHAT?! No more school...... EVER.
2. Opened another show. (Annie at the SCERA)
3........

Ok, so that's pretty much it. But I think that those two things are pretty big ones, so I'm ok with it.

I'm so tired. Even though I'm only a recent graduate I keep looking ahead into a day when I'll be able to sleep in and have one day when I don't have anything to do....... I'm starting to think that that day won't ever come. I'm trying not to lose hope however, because nothing good comes from losing hope.

Anyway, that's all I've got time for now. Perhaps in the future I shall be able to wow you all with my eloquence. For now, I'm just going to put away my graduation robe and go to sleep. I have to be up early tomorrow.

Random

I hate being sick.

Also, I took a statistics test with a 102 degree fever while high on cough syrup and still passed. Woot!

20 days until graduation. What?!

I wish I was going to Disneyland with my sisters in May.

Painted nails are fun, but they suck when you're waiting for them to dry.

Springtime is here!

Music makes a ton of difference in your life. Seriously, try it.

Cough syrup either makes you high or drunk. I've never been either so I'm not sure which it is. Either way, I do not like it.

A cast member complimented my hair today and it made me happy.

My Manifesto

I Believe In:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Courage
Laughing
Crying
Eating as many KitKats as you want on a Sunday night
Enjoying being alone
Taking breaks from life
Working hard, and doing the best job you can in everything
The healing power of friendship (corny, I know, but still so true)
Having dreams
You can change someone's day just by smiling at them
Feeling pretty
Treating yourself every once in awhile
Listening to people
Breathing
Humbling yourself, and listening to criticism with an open mind
Standing up for yourself and what you believe in
Having boundaries
Being who you are, no matter what people think
Never giving up
Trusting yourself
Wearing what you like
Working in a place that makes you happy
Being happy in the circumstances that you've been given

So, my blog has been a bit depressing lately. Partly because of things that have been happening, and partly because the reality of graduating from college is hitting me and scaring me. Because I've been so stressed lately, I've decided to try and set aside the problems that I have and focus on the good things in my life. Because there are SO MANY good things.

- Working at the SCERA! Love, love, love it! Also, I just got the news that I will be stage managing one of their summer shows (Camp Rock! Yeah!) with one of my favorite people directing.

- Working on Annie with another favorite person directing. She reads this blog too! ;)

- GRADUATING!! So excited! 6 weeks and I will be finished with school forever. I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want! I'm practically jumping up an down with joy just thinking about it!

- I'm going to be an aunt! My sister-in-law is having a baby in August!

- Heather Burgess, Andrew Joy, Janae Pettit, Mandy Singleton, Jackie Johnson, DeLayne Dayton, and my many other wonderful friends. I'm so lucky, and so blessed.

- Many, many other things that just aren't springing to mind right now. I am so blessed, but even more importantly, I am SO loved.

Things lately have been hard. Overwhelmed, and exhausted are the two words I would choose to
use to describe myself lately. I've been this busy before don't get me wrong, but there's the added stress of graduating that makes me all the more crazy.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day. I had a migraine but had to go to school anyway, rehearsals for my new show were starting and I didn't have time to prepare the way I wanted to, I had a concept assessment for a class that I could only study for for a few minutes, and a particularly hard statistics midterm was weighing on my mind all day. Needless to say I wasn't in the best of moods as I went to my second class of the day.

As I stood by the elevator worrying about my assignment that I had completed literally 5 minutes before I left for class I started tearing up. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't find time to complete my homework, do my laundry, sleep more than four hours, get anywhere on time, or even walk onto the elevator to get to class. I was too tired.

"I can't do this alone" I said to myself. "Not anymore"

"You don't have to" something whispered to me. I pulled out my phone and called a friend of mine and arraigned for him to give me a blessing. I forget all too often that I'm not alone. That I don't have to keep everything I'm feeling inside, because there is Someone who always knows how I feel.

The blessing was exactly what I needed to hear. It always is.

Matthew 11:28-30: Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Life is still overwhelming, and still exhausting. Thank God I'm not alone.

Sometimes I think the reason divorce rates are so high is because celebrities seem to get married and divorced every other year.

Unlike a lot of other girls in my laurel’s class, I had no desire to get married and have kids while in college. I had always been my own person, not really fitting in with anyone at Church as my homemade skirts and short spiky hair contrasted sharply with their $250 dollar outfits and primly dyed locks. These were the girls who couldn’t bear to cut their hair past their shoulders, I was the kind of girl who drag raced with her co-workers after she got off work at 3am(I had a job working as a cab dispatcher from 7pm-3am my senior year of high school. What can I say? It paid well, and I needed money for college…… And I won, which was awesome.).

When the topic of raising a family first came up in my Laurel’s Young Women class, I was taught that finding your eternal companion was your top priority once you graduated from High School. We were given a list of traits that our future husband should have, with only two thing on it. 1. Priesthood holder 2. Returned missionary. While first glancing at a list that I realize was meant to teach us not to set the bar too high, I wondered if we were being taught to accept the first man that our young hearts found. So I tucked the list away, confused and unsure.

Years later, after I moved away from home to go to college, I still hadn’t found that boy. I wondered and berated myself for a long time, sure that the problem lay with me. “Why is it?” I wondered “That I can’t find someone when everyone else seems to have no problem?”. All of the girls I had gone to Young Women with were married, some for years. While lying in bed one night, wondering and praying for guidance in this particular area, I would like to say that a feeling of overwhelming peace and an almost silent whisper comforted me. What really happened was I closed my prayer, and went to sleep feeling better, but unsatisfied. The real clarity came later during, funnily enough, a haircut.

My sister, who had recently graduated from cosmetology school, loved to play with my hair because I would let her do almost anything with it. One day, while sitting and joking with my sister as chopped away, something finally clicked. I wasn’t that girl. I wasn’t the kind of girl to get married right out of high school anymore than I was the kind of girl who could settle for shoulder length mono-colored hair. I wasn’t a short-list girl. I had fought all through my teens to be my own person and I would continue to be that person, and trust in the Lord that there was someone out there that would fit with me.

It’s been two years since that realization, and boys have come and gone. Some peacefully, some not so peacefully, and one with heartbreak. I still have times when, even though I’m only 23, I feel like a failure in my Church for not being married yet.

And yet, I truly believe that someone is out there. Someone who will make me feel loved and appreciated, and who will make me laugh. Someone who won't let me be who I am, but who will love who I am.

And now whenever I start to feel depressed I can always count on a new haircut to make me feel better.

This week hasn't been a good one. I'm so sick of school that all I want to do is sleep through my classes. I'm tired of living with people. I got in a car accident. The heater in my apartment broke. And there are a multitude of other little things that seem to happen daily that I can't control and that just seem to suck the energy out of me.

I wish I could stop feeling like a pushover.
I wish I had a job lined up for after I graduated.
I wish my stupid braces would come off already.
I wish I lived alone.
I wish I had an endless amount of unconditional love.
I wish I didn't get annoyed so easily.
I wish I could stop carrying grudges.
I wish I had the kind of patience to endlessly help people the way that Christ did.
I wish I had more faith in myself.

More than anything, I wish that it wasn't so hard for me sometimes to see to good things in life and so easy to see the bad things.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep......

It's probably the Dr. Pepper.

You know those people in high school that everyone seems to know? Even if you didn't actually talk to them, you knew who they were anyway?

I realized something the other day.....

I am one of those people now. People KNOW me. They say hi to me in the hallways, faculty members know who I am even though I haven't taken a class from them.

This is a weird feeling. And I'm not saying this to boast about myself....... I'm saying this because this realization kind of surprised me.

Coming to BYU was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Which is why graduating will be so hard. I'm so comfortable here, and I know how to work with everyone, and I'm well liked. I was sitting and thinking about graduation the other day, and realized just how nervous I was. So nervous, in fact, that I sat down and said a little prayer. The following thought process came to mind:

Yes, I am comfortable. And if I chose to stay in Provo I would probably end up moderately happy. But what's the point in being comfortable? Why should I settle for being moderately happy when I have every option in the world open to me right now?

There is no point in being comfortable because that is were progression stops. And I shouldn't settle more moderate happiness because I deserve more than that. I want to stage manage on Broadway, I want to make my mentors proud (holla Jennifer!). But most of all, I want to get to the end of my life and I want to be able to say that I didn't let fear get in the way of what I truly wanted out of life.

For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, who says to you, fear not; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

There's this feeling.....

I get it whenever I know I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow. I get anxious, and I organize everything, and then when I have organized everything that could possibly be organized, I organize other stuff. Today's list of organization includes:

-Scheduling two meetings for Peter Pan
-Confirming with my sound designer, technical director, and director the times and places of the billions of things we have to get done tomorrow.
-Confirmed the tech week schedule with my assistant stage manager's
-Organized my production book
- Made the production meeting schedule for tomorrow
and once all the Peter Pan related stuff was finished, I did this:
- Bought my academic planner for the semester and added in all of my classes, work schedules, and homework assignment due dates.
- Wrote a to-do list for tomorrow (I can't do the stuff today because the people I need to contact when home).
-

- 9am-5pm Installation of the Peter Pan flight rig
- 2pm- Production Meeting
- 4-6pm Publicity photos for Peter Pan
- 5pm voice recordings for sound checks
- 6pm preshow announcement recordings
- 7-10pm flight training

And that's just the Peter Pan stuff. Here's what I have to do:

9am-11am- Class (TMA 301)
11am-12pm- Work
12pm-1pm- Class (TMA 236)
1pm- Work
2pm- Peter Pan Production Meeting
3pm- Work
4pm- Publicity Photos
5pm- voice recordings for sound checks
6pm- preshow announcement recordings
7-10pm- flight training

I'm pretty sure this feeling comes from the fact that I want to get started on this busy day. Let's go! I'm too busy to sleep, too busy to do anything but get started on tomorrow!