My Conscience

I have some wonderful people in my life. One of these people is someone whom I will refer to as My Conscience. This may seem like a strange name for someone, so I will give a bit of background info to explain:

One day, after starting training for a new job at my work my phone disappeared for several minutes. After looking for it everywhere I finally found it a few minutes later, right where I had left it. Hmmm, this seemed a bit strange considering it wasn't there before but I shook it off, chalked it up to office shenanigans, and went on my way.

A few hours later, the texts started. I believe the first text said something like "Have you said thank you today?" which wasn't all that strange until I noticed who it was from. The caller ID said it was from My Conscience. I remember looking at my phone in confusion. My Conscience? Who the heck was that? I quickly scanned through my contact list, looking for the culprit but no one seemed to be missing. I was perplexed for days, and as more and more texts came my confusion rose higher and higher.

Until one day, when a conversation between My Conscience and me took a turn, and suddenly a light turned on in my head. Suddenly, I know who it was!

Even as this knowledge was suddenly available to me, and the person was confronted, the texts continued and for that I was grateful. :) She's very good at keeping me on the straight and narrow.

So, that is the story of how I gained a texting conscience and how someone I worked with became one of my favorite people (she was great before don't get me wrong, but this pushed her right to the top :)

To My Conscience (you know who you are!):
Miss you. Come back soon! The office is boring without you. Blueberry and Leaf miss you too.

The words in my head seem to fall out of my ears.

While up and about I often times run into situations that I believe would make a good blog post. I then usually think to myself "Hey self! Remember to blog about this later!"..... This is normally followed by me forgetting that anything had ever happened, or that I wanted to blog about the thing I'd forgotten, and sometimes that I even have a blog. Consequently this has led to a decline in the amount of blog posts recently.

I would apologize, but as I average .45 comments a post I don't think I made too many people unhappy.

I have words in my head. They are there, I swear it! The problem is that whenever I try to get them out of my head, and onto anywhere else they don't seem good enough. I have a story that I've been trying to copy down for years now, but every time I start it I hit a roadblock and give up. Ugh, story of my life.

Recently a friend of mine asked me if I was lonely, and I believe I said something along the lines of "I don't really get lonely".

In thinking back on that later, I realized that must have sounded a bit strange. I mean, who doesn't get lonely? But truth be told, I don't. That doesn't mean I don't like hanging out with people (because I do), it just means that I am really perfectly content to be alone. I can entertain myself, I frequently go to movies alone, and honestly a lot of times I prefer to be by myself once I get home.

But there are times when what I wish for more than anything is Someone. For most people this is a spouse, for others this is a best friend, a mother, a sibling they're especially close to. Someone who you KNOW loves you unconditionally, and for no other reason than because you are you.

I don't mind being alone. But I wouldn't mind not being alone either.

Update

Life is moving along. Funny Girl is almost over, Tuesdays With Morrie is just really beginning. Peter Pan will be starting soon, and then I will be taking a vacation!

Boo-yah! I'm so totally ready for it. I'm going to New York, to stay and shop and finally see my first Broadway shows.

And Mandy, you are now on my blog. So, there you go.

I can, and I can't

I can't seem to fall asleep before 1am.

I usually can't remember my day to day schedule without help.

I can't remember people's names to save my life.

I can't cook.

I can't find the time to clean out my car, do all of my laundry, clean my bedroom, or even put my hair products back in my bathroom drawer.

I can't seem to stop drinking Dr Pepper.

BUT

I can operate on little/no sleep.

I can remember to update my planner, so (almost) nothing gets forgotten.

I'm really good with faces. I may not remember your name, but I will remember your face.

I can find time to do everything else in my life.


AND

If I make a mistake, I will admit it. If something is my fault, I will admit it.

I don't play games because I don't see the point.

I'm honest because honesty is extremely important to me.

I can take and learn from criticism because I believe it will make me a better person.

I am a great stage manager.


That is all.

Superheroes

Some people wish they had a superhero to save them. Me? I wish I WAS a superhero.

Also, Funny Girl is performing at the SCERA Shell on June 10th-21st! Come see it! It is hands down the biggest show I've ever done as a stage manager. And the thought of tech week is currently terrifying me, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Saying to myself "You can DO this!". And I think I'm actually starting to listen to the GOOD little voice in my head.

Letter To The Voice In My Head

Nagging.
Screaming.
Red hot in the back of my head and the pit of my stomach.
Second guessing,
second besting
you're actually making me worse!
I will shake you off
I will break you off
Until you are broken and bleeding,
whimpering so far back in my mind
that I will easily smother the spirit breaking words
that seem to be all you can utter.

Love,
Lindsi

Role Models

I realized something today.

I realized that I'm a very lucky person. Especially in one aspect of my life.

ROLE MODELS

Some people don't have anyone to look up to. Some people have the wrong kind of people to look up to. I, however, am blessed in that I have a lot of good people as mentors.

People who always have time to talk to me.
People who constantly give me advice, and make me feel loved.
People who give me hope that I can continue to do what I love without losing myself.

These people influence my life in ways that I don't think they realize. I hope they know that I will forever be grateful to them.

Life is good.

Tired

Today, I am tired.

I don't feel like a good person. I don't feel like a good stage manager. I don't feel like a good anything. I don't even feel healthy. (I have a cold that won't go away)

I hate days like these.

Days where doubts seem to have creeped in and won't go away.

Why can't I just keep my confidence?
Why can't I feel good about myself all the time?

Sometimes I forget that this life is about constant improvement. I can't just reach one level and think that since I am where I'm supposed to be I can stop working. That's the easiest way to fall back down.

Tomorrow will be a better day. One filled with love, happiness, and improvement.

And hopefully a resorted belief in my life and skills.

Summer!

I have a lot of things going on this summer. Let me list them for you in chronological order:

1. Funny Girl auditions/rehearsals start (auditions this week, rehearsals in two weeks)
2. Spring classes start (April 27th)
3. Tuesday's With Morrie rehearsals start (May 3rd)
4. My long awaited jaw surgery! (May 5th)
5. Recovery from my long awaited jaw surgery (Probably about 2 months to full recovery)
6. Finish my first sound design (June)
7. Tuesday's With Morrie tech and Education week run (August)
8. Fall semester starts (My last fall semester!)

Woo! Thinking about it makes me tired. It's going to be one of those periods when I have to take things one day at a time.

Speaking of tired, I realized something today. I went the whole day without feeling like I needed to drop into bed in the middle of it! I can't even remember the last time that happened. I hope this keeps up, I could definitely put the extra energy to good use.

So....

I have nothing really t0 talk about. As You Like It is over, and I'm starting two new shows. Tuesday's With Morrie (BYU), and Funny Girl (SCERA Theatre in Orem).

Despite (or maybe because of) the difficulties that I had on As You Like It I am so ready to move on and start something new!

It's kind of strange how I don't get bored of stage managing. Usually I get bored of everything, but I've been doing this for four years and I still feel great about it.

Also, this week has been awesome because I've been able to sleep a LOT. I finally feel as though I'm getting over this stupid mono that has been plaguing me for four months.

In short, all is well. And I'm really looking forward to spring!

A Lesson I Have Learned.

Here's the thing everyone (all three of you):

It doesn't matter what people think.

That does not mean that you should just give up and treat people however you want. Because of course you should always try to be the best person you can! Of course you should always try to lift others up, and be of service to everyone! And of course you should always, always, ALWAYS try to become better!

But here's the thing. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, not everyone is going to like you. That's a fact of life, unfortunately. Not everyone liked Jesus, and he was more perfect than anyone who's ever been on this Earth. And if Jesus can't win everyone over, what chance do I have?

I also realized that the one persons opinion that I should be worried about is the Lord's. If I'm on good terms with him, then I know that I will be fine.

I was so overwhelmed with the love that I felt from Him today as I realized this. He is with me always. He knows me. He loves me. And I am so blessed because of it.

All I can do is be the best person that I know how to be, and trust that everything else (with everyone else) will work out.

As You Like It

Performances for As You Like It start tonight! Check it out! Get tickets at byuarts.com!

Random

Sometimes I want to be the person in the movies that gets to stand on the edge of the cliff, throw their arms out, and just breath.

In, and out.

Maybe throw a handkerchief artistically into the wind.

That is all.

Busy, busy, busy

As You Like It (my current show) is moving forward. We move onstage this week (yay!) and we tech next week (also yay!) and then we open the week after that.

About a week after As You Like It closes, I start stage managing a show for the SCERA theatre in Provo. I'm excited for this show because 1. I like the director, and 2. They're PAYING me. I feel so legit right now.

Then, after that show closes, rehearsals for my next BYU show starts (Tuesdays with Morrie). Which I'm also excited about because 1. I like the director :), and 2. A good friend of mine is in the show, 3. It's going to be a smaller show, which will be a nice break after working 2 big shows in a row.

And finally, I'll finish off my college stage management career with stage managing the big deJong musical of the year for BYU (Peter Pan!! Yay!!).

After that, I graduate and wander off the beaten path into the unknown (how's that for being melodramatic! :).

I'll be honest, I'm both excited about this, and freaked out. On one hand, I'm ready to be out and away and on my own.

On the other hand, school is all I've known. I'm not sure I know how to be a real person.

Ahhh, change is hard!

Elder Steven E. Snow says that:
"Too often we are reluctant to enter the next stage, begin the next challenge. Maybe we are too comfortable, fearful, or lacking in faith. Grandmother’s lap is often more comfortable than the trials of kindergarten. Our parents’ basement, with unlimited video games, may be more appealing than college, marriage, or a career."

When I get comfortable, I don't like change.

But I do believe that it is a good thing.

I believe that if you keep the faith over the fear you will be blessed. D&C 61:36 states "Be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you".

Life is good, growing up is good, change is good. And God is with me.

What more could a girl ask for?

Hobbies

Somebody asked me the other day what my hobbies were, and I didn't have an answer for him. I honestly couldn't think of anything. I go to school, I work, and I stage manage. If I have time during the day, I read books.

I must have had hobbies at one point in time. I just can't remember what they were.

I recently had a great conversation with several people that I work with. My boss had to give a talk to the relief society of his ward about self esteem, and the point was raised that a lot of the time, girls lose themselves because they are so focused on other things.

And so, I wonder if college has caused me to lose myself. I got so busy I forgot that I needed something besides work in my life.

I don't feel lost, but then again I don't feel particularly found either.

My home teachers issued my room mate and I challenge this month, that we both follow our impulses in a certain area (of our choice) in our life. So, I'm going to find some hobbies......


Anyone have any idea where I can look?

Why I Do What I Do

So, whilst taking a break at our rehearsal a couple nights ago a cast member of mine asked me a very interesting question:

"Why do you stage manage?" He asked, "you get almost no recognition, you work more than everyone else, and while you're in school you don't even get paid for it."

And, instead of blowing it off like I normally do when someone asks me that question, I actually stopped and thought about it.

Why do I stage manage? It is a hard, and sometimes thankless job. It's like adding a second job that I don't get paid for onto my schedule. It's frustrating at times, exhausting at times, and it's genuinely hard to do. So why do I keep on doing it??

"Because" a tiny little voice said to me "because of those exact reasons!"

I stage manage because of the emotional connection that theater gives to people. I love being right in the center of that. I love knowing that I played a part in making people laugh, or cry, or understand a concept that they failed to realize before.

Yes, my job is hard, but since when is anything worth having easy? Why would I do anything that's easy? Easy doesn't get you anywhere. We weren't sent to this earth to take the easy road, that's not the point of our existence.

Stage managing doesn't come easy to me. I feel like I fail at is as often as I succeed. But I love doing what I do so much that I'm willing to keep pushing myself to be better.

So, I guess you could say that I stage manage because it's hard. And because easy is boring.

Office Supplies

I have a secret fettish for office supplies.

I don't know why, but post-it's are one of my favorite thing in the world. I got 15 packs of them for Christmas!

One of my good friends continually surprises me with little packs of office supplies, just because she knows I like them. She gave me 3 kinds of post-its for my birthday, and she gave me paper clips for Christmas. Every once in a while, I'll be walking in the building I work at on campus, and a random box of some random office supply will hit me in the head and I know it's because she wants to tell me she likes me. (she NEVER misses my head, this girl has better aim than a sniper. )

I also love sharpie markers. I have a whole bag of them in my stage manager's kit. Every time I see a pack in the store I have to restrain myself from buying the colors I don't have yet.

Also, pen shopping is my favorite thing about starting a new school year.

....... Is that weird??

I love Christmas, and am sad that it's over.
I am happy, however, that I get to spend another week in St George with my family.
I am also happy that I'm starting a new show (Shakespeare's As You Like It) up at BYU in about a week.
I'm happy to be starting a new semester (only 3 left before graduation!), and I'm happy about last semester, it was a good one.
I'm happy that I'm starting a new job this next semester (I get to work with a lot of cool people)
In short, I'm a pretty happy person right now.

Life is good. That is all (for now, more to come promise!).

I believe.......

in the healing power of a good action movie

that everyone deserves a Christmas

in the LDS church (perhaps this one should be first)

in never. ever. giving up.

that hard times and trials suck, but they do make us stronger.

that feeling beautiful can change your entire day.

that making others feel beautiful can change your whole life.

Not Me Tuesday.

So I've given up on the whole Monday thing, ok?

I definitely did not secretly lose my temper at someone today and have to leave the room before I screamed at that person.

I so totally did not, once again, sleep in rather than getting up when my alarm went off. I also didn't unplug my alarm clock because the sound it was making was annoying me.

I totally called my mom today while walking on campus instead of listening to my ipod. And, I didn't have a rationalization that involved me thinking that it took less energy to listen to music than talk to my family.

Happy Thanksgiving all! Enjoy the break!