I'm dying....

For some Dr. Pepper.  Seriously. 

I get it for free at the SCERA.  Which I'm normally at pretty much everyday, so I get my fix for free there and don't worry about buying it when I grocery shop.

Normally I'm ok on Sunday's, but today I'm craving it like nobody's business.

Lesson learned.  I will now buy Dr. Pepper when I go shopping.

I don't believe in romantic comedies. Let me explain.

I was watching the movie Leap Year (the one with Amy Adams and a cute Irish guy that I don't know the name of), and the movie ended with Amy Adams dumping her fiance (whom she's been together with for 4 years) and flying back to Ireland to marry a guy she had known for 2 days.......

Yeah, like that's actually going to happen.

I sometimes wonder if romantic comedies are killing everyone's view of the real world. If little girls are growing up watching and believing that this is the norm then will they be perpetually disappointed when they realize that romance does not work like it does in the movies?

Part of me wishes that everyone in the world would have the chance to live through that kind of romance. Part of me also wishes I still believed in that kind of romance.

Whew! My cynical side is showing tonight.

Facebook, Osama, and other randoms

You know what I've realized lately? That I'm tired of facebook. Do I really need to know when a person I knew back when I was 18 decides to go and get a smoothie? Me thinks I'd be fine without that information rattling around in my brain.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. Officially and completely gone from this world. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard about 9/11, I remember watching TV all day long at school as more and more information was discovered, and I'm sure that it was on that day that I first heard about the terrorist responsible. I'm glad he was caught, and I'm glad he's dead. I feel as though people deserved to celebrate in the way that they wanted to, but I don't think that celebrating in the street while waving American flags is appropriate. I remember watching video clips of people in Afghanistan and Iran celebrating while the USA bled that day, and the videos of people celebrating after hearing the news were too similar for my liking. I'm glad he was caught, and I'm glad he's dead, but I am so sad that there are people that are capable of doing such evil things as to spark a worldwide, 10 year manhunt.

I like Obama. I voted for him. This was the first election that I actually did research before voting, and I voted for him because I liked his ideas on ending the war in Iraq, and on increasing energy independence, and because he seemed to have better long range planning then McCain. Overall, I'm happy with the job he's done. He's fulfilled many of his campaign promises, and even if I didn't agree with all of them I like the fact that he's done what he said he was going to do. Whether or not I'll vote for him again in 2012 remains to be seen.

I have my own room this summer, and I'm loving it. Seriously. I missed having my own space so much that it's indescribable. I walked into a friends bedroom the other day and marveled at just how much the room was her's. Does that make sense? I mean that even if I didn't know it was her room when I walked into it I would have guessed it was. Seeing her room made me realize just how much my room was not like that. My room has white walls, her walls are covered in photos and posters. It got me thinking that maybe I need my room to be MY room. No more white walls, no more room that is so blank that walking into it makes you wonder who lives here. I'm going to create a space that is totally, completely, and 100% mine.

This summer while I have some down time I'm going to concentrate on getting healthier, I'm going to decide where to move in August, and I'm going to save as much money as possible. Those are my three goals for the summer.

Excited to start on Camp Rock. Not really sure I love the show, but I love the production team I'm going to be working with.

That's all.

The End

I don't feel like writing a blog. "Well then, Lindsi" you may be saying to yourself "why are you writing one then?"

Answer: Because I haven't updated in awhile and I'm trying to keep people updated on my life.

So, here is what has happened in my life the past month:

1. Graduated from college. WHAT?! No more school...... EVER.
2. Opened another show. (Annie at the SCERA)
3........

Ok, so that's pretty much it. But I think that those two things are pretty big ones, so I'm ok with it.

I'm so tired. Even though I'm only a recent graduate I keep looking ahead into a day when I'll be able to sleep in and have one day when I don't have anything to do....... I'm starting to think that that day won't ever come. I'm trying not to lose hope however, because nothing good comes from losing hope.

Anyway, that's all I've got time for now. Perhaps in the future I shall be able to wow you all with my eloquence. For now, I'm just going to put away my graduation robe and go to sleep. I have to be up early tomorrow.

Random

I hate being sick.

Also, I took a statistics test with a 102 degree fever while high on cough syrup and still passed. Woot!

20 days until graduation. What?!

I wish I was going to Disneyland with my sisters in May.

Painted nails are fun, but they suck when you're waiting for them to dry.

Springtime is here!

Music makes a ton of difference in your life. Seriously, try it.

Cough syrup either makes you high or drunk. I've never been either so I'm not sure which it is. Either way, I do not like it.

A cast member complimented my hair today and it made me happy.

My Manifesto

I Believe In:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Courage
Laughing
Crying
Eating as many KitKats as you want on a Sunday night
Enjoying being alone
Taking breaks from life
Working hard, and doing the best job you can in everything
The healing power of friendship (corny, I know, but still so true)
Having dreams
You can change someone's day just by smiling at them
Feeling pretty
Treating yourself every once in awhile
Listening to people
Breathing
Humbling yourself, and listening to criticism with an open mind
Standing up for yourself and what you believe in
Having boundaries
Being who you are, no matter what people think
Never giving up
Trusting yourself
Wearing what you like
Working in a place that makes you happy
Being happy in the circumstances that you've been given

So, my blog has been a bit depressing lately. Partly because of things that have been happening, and partly because the reality of graduating from college is hitting me and scaring me. Because I've been so stressed lately, I've decided to try and set aside the problems that I have and focus on the good things in my life. Because there are SO MANY good things.

- Working at the SCERA! Love, love, love it! Also, I just got the news that I will be stage managing one of their summer shows (Camp Rock! Yeah!) with one of my favorite people directing.

- Working on Annie with another favorite person directing. She reads this blog too! ;)

- GRADUATING!! So excited! 6 weeks and I will be finished with school forever. I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want! I'm practically jumping up an down with joy just thinking about it!

- I'm going to be an aunt! My sister-in-law is having a baby in August!

- Heather Burgess, Andrew Joy, Janae Pettit, Mandy Singleton, Jackie Johnson, DeLayne Dayton, and my many other wonderful friends. I'm so lucky, and so blessed.

- Many, many other things that just aren't springing to mind right now. I am so blessed, but even more importantly, I am SO loved.

Things lately have been hard. Overwhelmed, and exhausted are the two words I would choose to
use to describe myself lately. I've been this busy before don't get me wrong, but there's the added stress of graduating that makes me all the more crazy.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day. I had a migraine but had to go to school anyway, rehearsals for my new show were starting and I didn't have time to prepare the way I wanted to, I had a concept assessment for a class that I could only study for for a few minutes, and a particularly hard statistics midterm was weighing on my mind all day. Needless to say I wasn't in the best of moods as I went to my second class of the day.

As I stood by the elevator worrying about my assignment that I had completed literally 5 minutes before I left for class I started tearing up. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't find time to complete my homework, do my laundry, sleep more than four hours, get anywhere on time, or even walk onto the elevator to get to class. I was too tired.

"I can't do this alone" I said to myself. "Not anymore"

"You don't have to" something whispered to me. I pulled out my phone and called a friend of mine and arraigned for him to give me a blessing. I forget all too often that I'm not alone. That I don't have to keep everything I'm feeling inside, because there is Someone who always knows how I feel.

The blessing was exactly what I needed to hear. It always is.

Matthew 11:28-30: Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Life is still overwhelming, and still exhausting. Thank God I'm not alone.

Sometimes I think the reason divorce rates are so high is because celebrities seem to get married and divorced every other year.

Unlike a lot of other girls in my laurel’s class, I had no desire to get married and have kids while in college. I had always been my own person, not really fitting in with anyone at Church as my homemade skirts and short spiky hair contrasted sharply with their $250 dollar outfits and primly dyed locks. These were the girls who couldn’t bear to cut their hair past their shoulders, I was the kind of girl who drag raced with her co-workers after she got off work at 3am(I had a job working as a cab dispatcher from 7pm-3am my senior year of high school. What can I say? It paid well, and I needed money for college…… And I won, which was awesome.).

When the topic of raising a family first came up in my Laurel’s Young Women class, I was taught that finding your eternal companion was your top priority once you graduated from High School. We were given a list of traits that our future husband should have, with only two thing on it. 1. Priesthood holder 2. Returned missionary. While first glancing at a list that I realize was meant to teach us not to set the bar too high, I wondered if we were being taught to accept the first man that our young hearts found. So I tucked the list away, confused and unsure.

Years later, after I moved away from home to go to college, I still hadn’t found that boy. I wondered and berated myself for a long time, sure that the problem lay with me. “Why is it?” I wondered “That I can’t find someone when everyone else seems to have no problem?”. All of the girls I had gone to Young Women with were married, some for years. While lying in bed one night, wondering and praying for guidance in this particular area, I would like to say that a feeling of overwhelming peace and an almost silent whisper comforted me. What really happened was I closed my prayer, and went to sleep feeling better, but unsatisfied. The real clarity came later during, funnily enough, a haircut.

My sister, who had recently graduated from cosmetology school, loved to play with my hair because I would let her do almost anything with it. One day, while sitting and joking with my sister as chopped away, something finally clicked. I wasn’t that girl. I wasn’t the kind of girl to get married right out of high school anymore than I was the kind of girl who could settle for shoulder length mono-colored hair. I wasn’t a short-list girl. I had fought all through my teens to be my own person and I would continue to be that person, and trust in the Lord that there was someone out there that would fit with me.

It’s been two years since that realization, and boys have come and gone. Some peacefully, some not so peacefully, and one with heartbreak. I still have times when, even though I’m only 23, I feel like a failure in my Church for not being married yet.

And yet, I truly believe that someone is out there. Someone who will make me feel loved and appreciated, and who will make me laugh. Someone who won't let me be who I am, but who will love who I am.

And now whenever I start to feel depressed I can always count on a new haircut to make me feel better.

This week hasn't been a good one. I'm so sick of school that all I want to do is sleep through my classes. I'm tired of living with people. I got in a car accident. The heater in my apartment broke. And there are a multitude of other little things that seem to happen daily that I can't control and that just seem to suck the energy out of me.

I wish I could stop feeling like a pushover.
I wish I had a job lined up for after I graduated.
I wish my stupid braces would come off already.
I wish I lived alone.
I wish I had an endless amount of unconditional love.
I wish I didn't get annoyed so easily.
I wish I could stop carrying grudges.
I wish I had the kind of patience to endlessly help people the way that Christ did.
I wish I had more faith in myself.

More than anything, I wish that it wasn't so hard for me sometimes to see to good things in life and so easy to see the bad things.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep......

It's probably the Dr. Pepper.

You know those people in high school that everyone seems to know? Even if you didn't actually talk to them, you knew who they were anyway?

I realized something the other day.....

I am one of those people now. People KNOW me. They say hi to me in the hallways, faculty members know who I am even though I haven't taken a class from them.

This is a weird feeling. And I'm not saying this to boast about myself....... I'm saying this because this realization kind of surprised me.

Coming to BYU was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Which is why graduating will be so hard. I'm so comfortable here, and I know how to work with everyone, and I'm well liked. I was sitting and thinking about graduation the other day, and realized just how nervous I was. So nervous, in fact, that I sat down and said a little prayer. The following thought process came to mind:

Yes, I am comfortable. And if I chose to stay in Provo I would probably end up moderately happy. But what's the point in being comfortable? Why should I settle for being moderately happy when I have every option in the world open to me right now?

There is no point in being comfortable because that is were progression stops. And I shouldn't settle more moderate happiness because I deserve more than that. I want to stage manage on Broadway, I want to make my mentors proud (holla Jennifer!). But most of all, I want to get to the end of my life and I want to be able to say that I didn't let fear get in the way of what I truly wanted out of life.

For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, who says to you, fear not; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

There's this feeling.....

I get it whenever I know I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow. I get anxious, and I organize everything, and then when I have organized everything that could possibly be organized, I organize other stuff. Today's list of organization includes:

-Scheduling two meetings for Peter Pan
-Confirming with my sound designer, technical director, and director the times and places of the billions of things we have to get done tomorrow.
-Confirmed the tech week schedule with my assistant stage manager's
-Organized my production book
- Made the production meeting schedule for tomorrow
and once all the Peter Pan related stuff was finished, I did this:
- Bought my academic planner for the semester and added in all of my classes, work schedules, and homework assignment due dates.
- Wrote a to-do list for tomorrow (I can't do the stuff today because the people I need to contact when home).
-

- 9am-5pm Installation of the Peter Pan flight rig
- 2pm- Production Meeting
- 4-6pm Publicity photos for Peter Pan
- 5pm voice recordings for sound checks
- 6pm preshow announcement recordings
- 7-10pm flight training

And that's just the Peter Pan stuff. Here's what I have to do:

9am-11am- Class (TMA 301)
11am-12pm- Work
12pm-1pm- Class (TMA 236)
1pm- Work
2pm- Peter Pan Production Meeting
3pm- Work
4pm- Publicity Photos
5pm- voice recordings for sound checks
6pm- preshow announcement recordings
7-10pm- flight training

I'm pretty sure this feeling comes from the fact that I want to get started on this busy day. Let's go! I'm too busy to sleep, too busy to do anything but get started on tomorrow!

Charity...

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul. (see 1 Nephi 11:23)

Lately I've been trying to feel more of this kind of love. I want to feel this "strongest kind of love".

In this holiday season, there are many things that I could worry about. But instead, I'm going choose to absorb the feeling that this season brings. I choose peace over anxiety, love over hate, giving over receiving, and charity over judgment.

Because if it charity is the pure love of Christ, then I should strive for nothing less.

Love

I got criticized the other day for never talking about my "love" life. It was a surreal experience for me...... This lady went on and one about how she's starting to think I'm a lesbian because I never talk about guys I'm dating, or guys I like, or anything that has anything to do with that part of my life. I didn't really respond to her in the way that I would have liked to because I'm really trying to watch what I say, and how I say it (I talk too much). And I just couldn't, for the life of me, have opened my mouth without having some seriously not-nice things come out of it. I was so mad I started to see red, so I believe I said something like "well, thanks for caring" and then turned around and walked away.

SERIOUSLY, lady, SERIOUSLY??? Here's the thing:

I don't talk about those things because I'm a huge believer in keeping that part of your life private. I told maybe 8 people about the guy I dated last and that was because it slipped out in the middle of a conversation with 3 of them. I didn't even tell my family, or most of my really good friends.

I NEED to have something that I feel like I have control over, because right now a lot of my life feels out of control. Keeping stuff like that quiet gives me the chance to have an escape from work, and school, and stage managing, which is something that I desperately need.

AND just because I don't talk about this stuff, does not BY ANY MEANS make me weird, inconsiderate, or thoughtless.

IF I meet a guy, and decide to date him, it is MY CHOICE when I will tell everyone. And honestly, some people probably aren't going to find out until we're engaged. Because that's how I want to do it. I like keeping things in my life separate.

And finally: Your opinion was not asked for, not wanted, and certainly not within any bounds of anything that could be considered nice. No, I do not think that what you said was "tough love". No, I don't think that you, someone that I've known for less than 3 months, should be let in on my private life. And no, I do not like the fact that you've "made it your mission to figure me out".

I don't need to be figured out, changed, or set up on dates so we can "dish about guys we both know".

End of story. And end of any chance that you will ever know anything about my life, lady.

(Taking deep breaths, calming down, stepping off of soapbox.)

"For it is not needful that a man run faster than he has strength."

Sometimes I forget that the title of this post applies to me.

The Lord loves me, and he cares about me. He will not try me beyond what I can handle.

I forget that this saying also applies to how I handle my life. I even take pride in how busy I am sometimes, thinking that it's a measure of how capable I am. Then when I don't measure up, I beat myself up, sure that someone else could have handled everything just fine.

That's such a stupid thing to do! Because, let's face it everyone...... I'm kind of awesome.

And I think it's perfectly okay to admit that.

Someday......

I will make enough money that overspending on groceries won't stress me out.

I will have someone who makes me as happy as my dad makes my mom.

I will have the freedom to take a day off.

I will gain the wisdom to discern between when I should speak, and when I shouldn't.

I won't have braces.... Or rubber bands.... Or plastic splints that make me drool.

I am someone.

I just don't know who yet.

I feel that there are too many pieces of me right now.

I have to gather them up and figure out how they all fit together.

I'm like a puzzle with no edges.

How am I supposed to put myself together when I don't yet know what I'm supposed to look like?

Will I ever get the confidence to try?

Christmas, saving money, jeans that fit!

So, there are three things that I would like to talk about in this post. Take a look at the title if you want to know what they are.

1. CHRISTMAS!!! I love this holiday. You may think "well, duh, Lindsi you get presents!" and I will fully admit that that is part of the reason this holiday is great. However, I REALLY love the holiday because of the spiritually of the season. This time of year we focus on giving, on the birth of our Savior, and on loving everyone. The peace that this holiday generates is so great that even wars stop on Christmas. Plus, decorating for Christmas is awesome.

My top five things about Christmas:

1. The peaceful, joyous feeling that celebrating the birth of Jesus brings

2. Giving presents to people! (I actually like giving presents more than getting them. True that!)

3. Muppet Christmas Carol (totally worth the #3 spot, best Christmas movie ever)

4. Decorating while listening to Christmas music

5. Laying underneath the tree and watching the lights.


2. Saving money. I've been trying to save more money since I'll be shortly leaving Provo after I graduate, and will need something to sustain me for a few weeks until I can find a job. It's been hard, but it's surprisingly satisfying.

3. I've lost about 15 pounds since my surgery. This means that all of my clothes either a. Don't fit anymore, or b. just barely fit. I need to buy a new belt, because my old one doesn't fit anymore. Those jeans that I got for Christmas two years ago? Now fit when they didn't a week ago. I'm not going to lie, this is a good feeling!

Random Facts

I don't really talk about myself to people. I always feel really awkward when I do, and I get this overwhelming feeling that I'm just not that interesting. Anyway, I've read a lot of blogs like this from my friends, and thought that maybe (just this once) it would be okay to reveal some interesting facts about myself that you may not know. (and by you, I mean the 4 of you that I know read this)

1. I had brain surgery when I was 7 to correct an abnormal bone growth called Arnold Chiari One Malformation. This kind of bone growth was pressing on my brain stem, and would have been fatal if it had gone another month of so without detection. As it was, during the 7 months I showed symptoms, I was really uncoordinated, had shooting pains in my arms and legs, and (because if anything hit the back of my neck I would die) I wasn't allowed to ride my bike, play at recess, or even ride in the car unless absolutely necessary. I remember three things about that part of my life: being in pain, being bored, and always running into things.

2. My lip and chin are now numb, and may stay that way for awhile. And the first thing I thought about when I found out was "I wonder what kissing will feel like now....." . I've got great priorities.

3. I'm in love with TV. I watch like, 14 TV shows because it's the way I unwind at the end of the day. My favorites are: Supernatural, Grey's Anatomy, The Office, 30 Rock, Parenthood, Glee, and Mike and Molly. Oh! And Chuck.

4. I can't shower when my shower is dirty. I deep clean it about once a week, and rinse it down before I take a shower.

5. I can't live without my ipod. My old one was stolen and I couldn't believe how annoying it was. It don't use it just for listening to music either. I use the stopwatch, the calender, I take notes on it, and I keep a running to do list on there. (Organized by show and class :)

6. I'm graduating in April!!! And I'm kind of planning on moving to LA after I do. I'm so FREAKING excited.

7. I really like being alone when I have free time. I think it's because I spend so much of my time around big groups of people while I'm stage managing. It's so relaxing to not have to worry about anyone else once rehearsal is over.

8. I'm secretly in love with fashion. I wish I had the time and money to dress the way I want to. My room mate is amazing, she's got such a great sense of fashion! Almost all of her clothes are fantastically vintage.

9. Hair grosses me out. The worst part about living in an apartment full of girls is all the hairballs floating around. I gag every time I see one.

10. I love sleep. My room mate teases me every time I lay down because no matter what I start out doing, I always end up sleeping. I'm such a night person, and I love sleeping during the day. I'm definitely working in the right field. :)

(Jaw update: I'm doing much better now that I can eat. I'm still losing weight, but I'm not perpetually hungry, which makes the whole world seem better. I'm really sore tonight because I've talked more and took my rubber bands of to eat and stretch the muscles in my jaw out. It feels good, but rubber banding them back up is painful. Enter the codeine.)

I'm off to bed now folks. Talking (or writing) about myself is exhausting.