Sometimes I think the reason divorce rates are so high is because celebrities seem to get married and divorced every other year.

Unlike a lot of other girls in my laurel’s class, I had no desire to get married and have kids while in college. I had always been my own person, not really fitting in with anyone at Church as my homemade skirts and short spiky hair contrasted sharply with their $250 dollar outfits and primly dyed locks. These were the girls who couldn’t bear to cut their hair past their shoulders, I was the kind of girl who drag raced with her co-workers after she got off work at 3am(I had a job working as a cab dispatcher from 7pm-3am my senior year of high school. What can I say? It paid well, and I needed money for college…… And I won, which was awesome.).

When the topic of raising a family first came up in my Laurel’s Young Women class, I was taught that finding your eternal companion was your top priority once you graduated from High School. We were given a list of traits that our future husband should have, with only two thing on it. 1. Priesthood holder 2. Returned missionary. While first glancing at a list that I realize was meant to teach us not to set the bar too high, I wondered if we were being taught to accept the first man that our young hearts found. So I tucked the list away, confused and unsure.

Years later, after I moved away from home to go to college, I still hadn’t found that boy. I wondered and berated myself for a long time, sure that the problem lay with me. “Why is it?” I wondered “That I can’t find someone when everyone else seems to have no problem?”. All of the girls I had gone to Young Women with were married, some for years. While lying in bed one night, wondering and praying for guidance in this particular area, I would like to say that a feeling of overwhelming peace and an almost silent whisper comforted me. What really happened was I closed my prayer, and went to sleep feeling better, but unsatisfied. The real clarity came later during, funnily enough, a haircut.

My sister, who had recently graduated from cosmetology school, loved to play with my hair because I would let her do almost anything with it. One day, while sitting and joking with my sister as chopped away, something finally clicked. I wasn’t that girl. I wasn’t the kind of girl to get married right out of high school anymore than I was the kind of girl who could settle for shoulder length mono-colored hair. I wasn’t a short-list girl. I had fought all through my teens to be my own person and I would continue to be that person, and trust in the Lord that there was someone out there that would fit with me.

It’s been two years since that realization, and boys have come and gone. Some peacefully, some not so peacefully, and one with heartbreak. I still have times when, even though I’m only 23, I feel like a failure in my Church for not being married yet.

And yet, I truly believe that someone is out there. Someone who will make me feel loved and appreciated, and who will make me laugh. Someone who won't let me be who I am, but who will love who I am.

And now whenever I start to feel depressed I can always count on a new haircut to make me feel better.

This week hasn't been a good one. I'm so sick of school that all I want to do is sleep through my classes. I'm tired of living with people. I got in a car accident. The heater in my apartment broke. And there are a multitude of other little things that seem to happen daily that I can't control and that just seem to suck the energy out of me.

I wish I could stop feeling like a pushover.
I wish I had a job lined up for after I graduated.
I wish my stupid braces would come off already.
I wish I lived alone.
I wish I had an endless amount of unconditional love.
I wish I didn't get annoyed so easily.
I wish I could stop carrying grudges.
I wish I had the kind of patience to endlessly help people the way that Christ did.
I wish I had more faith in myself.

More than anything, I wish that it wasn't so hard for me sometimes to see to good things in life and so easy to see the bad things.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep......

It's probably the Dr. Pepper.

You know those people in high school that everyone seems to know? Even if you didn't actually talk to them, you knew who they were anyway?

I realized something the other day.....

I am one of those people now. People KNOW me. They say hi to me in the hallways, faculty members know who I am even though I haven't taken a class from them.

This is a weird feeling. And I'm not saying this to boast about myself....... I'm saying this because this realization kind of surprised me.

Coming to BYU was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Which is why graduating will be so hard. I'm so comfortable here, and I know how to work with everyone, and I'm well liked. I was sitting and thinking about graduation the other day, and realized just how nervous I was. So nervous, in fact, that I sat down and said a little prayer. The following thought process came to mind:

Yes, I am comfortable. And if I chose to stay in Provo I would probably end up moderately happy. But what's the point in being comfortable? Why should I settle for being moderately happy when I have every option in the world open to me right now?

There is no point in being comfortable because that is were progression stops. And I shouldn't settle more moderate happiness because I deserve more than that. I want to stage manage on Broadway, I want to make my mentors proud (holla Jennifer!). But most of all, I want to get to the end of my life and I want to be able to say that I didn't let fear get in the way of what I truly wanted out of life.

For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, who says to you, fear not; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

There's this feeling.....

I get it whenever I know I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow. I get anxious, and I organize everything, and then when I have organized everything that could possibly be organized, I organize other stuff. Today's list of organization includes:

-Scheduling two meetings for Peter Pan
-Confirming with my sound designer, technical director, and director the times and places of the billions of things we have to get done tomorrow.
-Confirmed the tech week schedule with my assistant stage manager's
-Organized my production book
- Made the production meeting schedule for tomorrow
and once all the Peter Pan related stuff was finished, I did this:
- Bought my academic planner for the semester and added in all of my classes, work schedules, and homework assignment due dates.
- Wrote a to-do list for tomorrow (I can't do the stuff today because the people I need to contact when home).
-

- 9am-5pm Installation of the Peter Pan flight rig
- 2pm- Production Meeting
- 4-6pm Publicity photos for Peter Pan
- 5pm voice recordings for sound checks
- 6pm preshow announcement recordings
- 7-10pm flight training

And that's just the Peter Pan stuff. Here's what I have to do:

9am-11am- Class (TMA 301)
11am-12pm- Work
12pm-1pm- Class (TMA 236)
1pm- Work
2pm- Peter Pan Production Meeting
3pm- Work
4pm- Publicity Photos
5pm- voice recordings for sound checks
6pm- preshow announcement recordings
7-10pm- flight training

I'm pretty sure this feeling comes from the fact that I want to get started on this busy day. Let's go! I'm too busy to sleep, too busy to do anything but get started on tomorrow!

Charity...

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul. (see 1 Nephi 11:23)

Lately I've been trying to feel more of this kind of love. I want to feel this "strongest kind of love".

In this holiday season, there are many things that I could worry about. But instead, I'm going choose to absorb the feeling that this season brings. I choose peace over anxiety, love over hate, giving over receiving, and charity over judgment.

Because if it charity is the pure love of Christ, then I should strive for nothing less.

Love

I got criticized the other day for never talking about my "love" life. It was a surreal experience for me...... This lady went on and one about how she's starting to think I'm a lesbian because I never talk about guys I'm dating, or guys I like, or anything that has anything to do with that part of my life. I didn't really respond to her in the way that I would have liked to because I'm really trying to watch what I say, and how I say it (I talk too much). And I just couldn't, for the life of me, have opened my mouth without having some seriously not-nice things come out of it. I was so mad I started to see red, so I believe I said something like "well, thanks for caring" and then turned around and walked away.

SERIOUSLY, lady, SERIOUSLY??? Here's the thing:

I don't talk about those things because I'm a huge believer in keeping that part of your life private. I told maybe 8 people about the guy I dated last and that was because it slipped out in the middle of a conversation with 3 of them. I didn't even tell my family, or most of my really good friends.

I NEED to have something that I feel like I have control over, because right now a lot of my life feels out of control. Keeping stuff like that quiet gives me the chance to have an escape from work, and school, and stage managing, which is something that I desperately need.

AND just because I don't talk about this stuff, does not BY ANY MEANS make me weird, inconsiderate, or thoughtless.

IF I meet a guy, and decide to date him, it is MY CHOICE when I will tell everyone. And honestly, some people probably aren't going to find out until we're engaged. Because that's how I want to do it. I like keeping things in my life separate.

And finally: Your opinion was not asked for, not wanted, and certainly not within any bounds of anything that could be considered nice. No, I do not think that what you said was "tough love". No, I don't think that you, someone that I've known for less than 3 months, should be let in on my private life. And no, I do not like the fact that you've "made it your mission to figure me out".

I don't need to be figured out, changed, or set up on dates so we can "dish about guys we both know".

End of story. And end of any chance that you will ever know anything about my life, lady.

(Taking deep breaths, calming down, stepping off of soapbox.)

"For it is not needful that a man run faster than he has strength."

Sometimes I forget that the title of this post applies to me.

The Lord loves me, and he cares about me. He will not try me beyond what I can handle.

I forget that this saying also applies to how I handle my life. I even take pride in how busy I am sometimes, thinking that it's a measure of how capable I am. Then when I don't measure up, I beat myself up, sure that someone else could have handled everything just fine.

That's such a stupid thing to do! Because, let's face it everyone...... I'm kind of awesome.

And I think it's perfectly okay to admit that.

Someday......

I will make enough money that overspending on groceries won't stress me out.

I will have someone who makes me as happy as my dad makes my mom.

I will have the freedom to take a day off.

I will gain the wisdom to discern between when I should speak, and when I shouldn't.

I won't have braces.... Or rubber bands.... Or plastic splints that make me drool.

I am someone.

I just don't know who yet.

I feel that there are too many pieces of me right now.

I have to gather them up and figure out how they all fit together.

I'm like a puzzle with no edges.

How am I supposed to put myself together when I don't yet know what I'm supposed to look like?

Will I ever get the confidence to try?

Christmas, saving money, jeans that fit!

So, there are three things that I would like to talk about in this post. Take a look at the title if you want to know what they are.

1. CHRISTMAS!!! I love this holiday. You may think "well, duh, Lindsi you get presents!" and I will fully admit that that is part of the reason this holiday is great. However, I REALLY love the holiday because of the spiritually of the season. This time of year we focus on giving, on the birth of our Savior, and on loving everyone. The peace that this holiday generates is so great that even wars stop on Christmas. Plus, decorating for Christmas is awesome.

My top five things about Christmas:

1. The peaceful, joyous feeling that celebrating the birth of Jesus brings

2. Giving presents to people! (I actually like giving presents more than getting them. True that!)

3. Muppet Christmas Carol (totally worth the #3 spot, best Christmas movie ever)

4. Decorating while listening to Christmas music

5. Laying underneath the tree and watching the lights.


2. Saving money. I've been trying to save more money since I'll be shortly leaving Provo after I graduate, and will need something to sustain me for a few weeks until I can find a job. It's been hard, but it's surprisingly satisfying.

3. I've lost about 15 pounds since my surgery. This means that all of my clothes either a. Don't fit anymore, or b. just barely fit. I need to buy a new belt, because my old one doesn't fit anymore. Those jeans that I got for Christmas two years ago? Now fit when they didn't a week ago. I'm not going to lie, this is a good feeling!

Random Facts

I don't really talk about myself to people. I always feel really awkward when I do, and I get this overwhelming feeling that I'm just not that interesting. Anyway, I've read a lot of blogs like this from my friends, and thought that maybe (just this once) it would be okay to reveal some interesting facts about myself that you may not know. (and by you, I mean the 4 of you that I know read this)

1. I had brain surgery when I was 7 to correct an abnormal bone growth called Arnold Chiari One Malformation. This kind of bone growth was pressing on my brain stem, and would have been fatal if it had gone another month of so without detection. As it was, during the 7 months I showed symptoms, I was really uncoordinated, had shooting pains in my arms and legs, and (because if anything hit the back of my neck I would die) I wasn't allowed to ride my bike, play at recess, or even ride in the car unless absolutely necessary. I remember three things about that part of my life: being in pain, being bored, and always running into things.

2. My lip and chin are now numb, and may stay that way for awhile. And the first thing I thought about when I found out was "I wonder what kissing will feel like now....." . I've got great priorities.

3. I'm in love with TV. I watch like, 14 TV shows because it's the way I unwind at the end of the day. My favorites are: Supernatural, Grey's Anatomy, The Office, 30 Rock, Parenthood, Glee, and Mike and Molly. Oh! And Chuck.

4. I can't shower when my shower is dirty. I deep clean it about once a week, and rinse it down before I take a shower.

5. I can't live without my ipod. My old one was stolen and I couldn't believe how annoying it was. It don't use it just for listening to music either. I use the stopwatch, the calender, I take notes on it, and I keep a running to do list on there. (Organized by show and class :)

6. I'm graduating in April!!! And I'm kind of planning on moving to LA after I do. I'm so FREAKING excited.

7. I really like being alone when I have free time. I think it's because I spend so much of my time around big groups of people while I'm stage managing. It's so relaxing to not have to worry about anyone else once rehearsal is over.

8. I'm secretly in love with fashion. I wish I had the time and money to dress the way I want to. My room mate is amazing, she's got such a great sense of fashion! Almost all of her clothes are fantastically vintage.

9. Hair grosses me out. The worst part about living in an apartment full of girls is all the hairballs floating around. I gag every time I see one.

10. I love sleep. My room mate teases me every time I lay down because no matter what I start out doing, I always end up sleeping. I'm such a night person, and I love sleeping during the day. I'm definitely working in the right field. :)

(Jaw update: I'm doing much better now that I can eat. I'm still losing weight, but I'm not perpetually hungry, which makes the whole world seem better. I'm really sore tonight because I've talked more and took my rubber bands of to eat and stretch the muscles in my jaw out. It feels good, but rubber banding them back up is painful. Enter the codeine.)

I'm off to bed now folks. Talking (or writing) about myself is exhausting.

I can use a spoon!

Holy cow, I never thought I would miss eating so much. Here are some things I've learned about having your mouth shut for 2 weeks.

1. You can never get full on a liquid diet. Ever. No matter how much blended cream of mushroom soup you drink.

2. Not brushing your teeth is just about the grossest thing ever.

3. The only thing that beats not brushing your teeth in grossness, is the little dissolvable stitches that the doctor put in my mouth to close the incisions. They are not gross until they actually start to dissolve and you get little bits of stitches running down your throat. (shudder).... ew.

4. Not talking sucks almost as much as not eating. Though, given a choice, I would choose eating over talking.

5. Sneezing, coughing, and yawning are extraordinarily uncomfortable when you can't move your mouth.

6. Patience is a virtue I do not possess when it comes to hunger.

I feel as though I've grown from this experience. Many good life lessons learned.

I also feel that now that the rubber bands are off the front of my teeth, and I can eat actual food again (granted, nothing harder than scrambled eggs, but still...), and brush my teeth (THANK YOU!!!) things will get better.

And now, I'm off to eat. And brush all of my pearly whites.

Post-Surgery

I feel really good right now. Of course, I've got 5mL of codeine running through my system right now...... That's probably part of it.

It may not be the best idea to write a blog when I'm hovering somewhere between the stratosphere and outer space, but what the hey.....

My surgery went very well. There was a little bit of nerve damage, which means my bottom lip and most of my chin is numb, and will be for awhile. Other than that I'm doing good.

I was really nauseous for the first few days, but am doing much better now. The doctor prescribed me some anti-nausea stuff and things got much better once I was able to keep a bit of food down.

The biggest thing is that I miss eating. SO MUCH. I will never take chewing for granted again. Oh man, as soon as I can eat again I'm having an entire day where all I do is eat my favorite foods. I miss eating more than I miss talking, which is saying something because not talking is a pain in the you-know-what.

Anyway, that's an update for whoever is reading this. I'm going to get up and about a little bit tomorrow to satisfy my mom that I'll be ok when she leaves (I will miss her though, she's wonderful. It's been so good to have her here this week. I don't know what I would do without her.)

Much love to all you all out there.

Update

I feel like half of the posts I write are just updates on my life. I know that at least one extended family member reads this, so I figure it's ok.

I closed Hairspray, and started rehearsals for Peter Pan. I feel like my whole life is stage managing right now. I need to graduate!

I'm having jaw surgery in one week. I'm nervous, but I'm so ready for this to happen. It's been canceled twice so I don't think I'll believe this is actually happening until they are pumping me full of the sweet, sweet sleepy drugs. I read this article about people who are awake during their surgeries, and they can't move because of the anesthetic, so all they can do is lay there and mentally scream until the drugs wear off. I know this won't happen to me...... And yet, there's the lovely irrational fear that won't go away. It doesn't help that, apparently, jaw surgery is one of the most painful kinds of surgery. Ye-a-ah.

A midterm tomorrow, two week's worth of homework that needs to be done on Monday, rehearsal on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, going to St George on Wednesday to get surgical hooks put in my mouth. I'm working triple-y (??) hard this week to cover everything so that I can take a week off to recover.

I have such a bad case of senioritis. I just want to graduate, move out of Utah, make more than 200 dollars every two weeks.

7 months.

Sometimes/Always

Sometimes, I really don't like stage managing. When a cast member tells me to "stop talking" is one of those times. When I say something really stupid to another cast member is another one.

The One In Which I Rant and Rave

Soooo, my ipod was stolen. The one I saved up for over a year to buy.

And then they threw away my leatherman at the airport.

Within a week two of the most expensive things I owned are gone.

And now my landlords are trying to kick me out of my apartment.

So. Much. Fun.

My boss at work asked me what was wrong the other day. I told him that I just had a lot going on, and he told me to put "my game face on".

I told my parents I was really upset about my leatherman and they told me that I shouldn't get upset over something that wasn't going to change.

I got on my knees and prayed and I felt a peace wash over me. Life is good. Bad stuff happens, but that's just a moment in your entire life. The key to this life is to learn from those moments. Experiencing trials is not the hard part of life. Coming out of those trials as a better person? That's the hard part.

I thank God that He's with me to help me with the challenge.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I wish there was a slow motion button on my life.

Let me explain.

I wish there was a slow motion button for one reason.

So I could put as many blankets and pillows on my bed as I could find,

climb a ladder to the top rung

push the button

and fall.......

For a really looooooong time.

Stage Managing

Everyone, it's time we had a talk about something.

I'm graduating soon. In approximately 9 months I will be the holder of a bachelor's degree of Theatre Arts.

After that, I will move away to work as a stage manager in the real world.

WHAT?! Where the heck did the time go?!

My Conscience

I have some wonderful people in my life. One of these people is someone whom I will refer to as My Conscience. This may seem like a strange name for someone, so I will give a bit of background info to explain:

One day, after starting training for a new job at my work my phone disappeared for several minutes. After looking for it everywhere I finally found it a few minutes later, right where I had left it. Hmmm, this seemed a bit strange considering it wasn't there before but I shook it off, chalked it up to office shenanigans, and went on my way.

A few hours later, the texts started. I believe the first text said something like "Have you said thank you today?" which wasn't all that strange until I noticed who it was from. The caller ID said it was from My Conscience. I remember looking at my phone in confusion. My Conscience? Who the heck was that? I quickly scanned through my contact list, looking for the culprit but no one seemed to be missing. I was perplexed for days, and as more and more texts came my confusion rose higher and higher.

Until one day, when a conversation between My Conscience and me took a turn, and suddenly a light turned on in my head. Suddenly, I know who it was!

Even as this knowledge was suddenly available to me, and the person was confronted, the texts continued and for that I was grateful. :) She's very good at keeping me on the straight and narrow.

So, that is the story of how I gained a texting conscience and how someone I worked with became one of my favorite people (she was great before don't get me wrong, but this pushed her right to the top :)

To My Conscience (you know who you are!):
Miss you. Come back soon! The office is boring without you. Blueberry and Leaf miss you too.